Looking for lost Faith~

When I was little I sought God with all my hart. We didn't go to church often so I learned just enough to make my ideas of God/Jesus dangerous. I learned all we had to do was ask and it would be given... Jesus loved all his children... with the faith of a mustard seed you could move mountains.

I took my childish wisdom and prayed, I felt I had the faith that it takes to stop the abuse that was going on in my home. I would hide under my parents bed with the bible and sing the words that I was trying so hard to read and understand. I loved God and with great hope just knew He would keep me safe and make the pain go away.

The abuse got worse and I tried harder. I started wondering what was it about me God didn't like. I didn't understand. Again we were brought to church and I heard about the commandments... I knew instantly why God didn't love me. All my hopes left and it felt that my world crashed in around me. I would beg and plead with God to love me ... I promised to follow all the commands the best I could ... just help me please.

By the time I was 7 the pain of my everyday life was unbearable. Every night I prayed ... "As I lay and go to sleep I pray the Lord my soul to take." I wanted to go live with Jesus ... I had heard in church there were no pain and tears in heaven. I would repeat that prayer till I fell asleep, imagining what it would be like to live in heaven with Jesus. Every morning I woke not in heaven but in the bed I laid so desperate in.

Didn't take too long to understand that I was so bad that not even Jesus loved this child. I lost hope and faith that life could be anything but pain and fear.

There were times in my life that I would look at the stars and chat with God. I would pray the Lords prayer but I was always left feeling so empty.

Years later when I came in the program there was all this talk about God and the need to believe in an HP that could restore me. If they only knew the things I had done, the many times I had tried to have this relationship they would understand that it wasn't going to work for me.

I wanted to live and be free from alcohol so bad that I tried once again to have faith. With the help of some wonderful women I was able to change what my ideas were. I finally came to a point of believing in a God that I could trust.

One of the most profound lessons that I learned was that God isn't harsh or demanding. He loves us so much that He gives us free choice. He also loved my parents so much that He gave them free choice to do as they wanted. It wasn't that I was bad and not good enough for God... it's because we all have a choice.

Through the program I was able to find the faith that I had lost so many years ago. I am able to finally have a loving relationship with my God. The love of my HP has flowed in and filled me completely. I have a faith today that works under any and all conditions and I will be forever thankful.