Life

Queensryche - Silent Lucidity

Hush now, don't you cry
Wipe away the teardrop from your eye
You're lying safe in bed
It was all a bad dream
Spinning in your head
Your mind tricked you to feel the pain
Of someone close to you leaving the game of life
So here it is, another chance
Wide awake you face the day
Your dream is over... or has it just begun?

There's a place I like to hide
A doorway that I run through in the night
Relax child, you were there
But only didn't realize it and you were scared
It's a place where you will learn
To face your fears, retrace the years
And ride the whims of your mind
Commanding in another world
Suddenly you hear and see
This magic new dimension

I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help you see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you, in Silent Lucidity

[spoken during solo]
(Visualize your dream)
(Record it in the present tense)
(Put it into a permanent form)
(If you persist in your efforts)
(You can achieve dream control)
(Dream control)
(How's that then, better?)
(Hug me)

If you open your mind for me
You won't rely on open eyes to see
The walls you built within
Come tumbling down, and a new world will begin
Living twice at once you learn
You're safe from the pain in the dream domain
A soul set free to fly
A round trip journey in your head
Master of illusion, can you realize
Your dream's alive, you can be the guide but...

I- will be watching over you
I- am gonna help to see it through
I- will protect you in the night
I- am smiling next to you.... In Silent Lucidity

Maude it's time for you wake and be the dream you dream... I love you.

What is enough?

The student of spiritual wisdom cannot go through his day, satisfied that he has read some truth in the morning, or that he is going to hear some truth in the afternoon or evening. There must be a conscious activity of truth going on all the time. That does not mean that we neglect our human duties and activities; it means that we train ourselves to have some area in consciousness always active in truth. Whether we look out at forms of nature such as trees, flowers, or oceans, or whether we are meeting people, we find some measure of God in each experience. We train ourselves to behold the presence and activity of God in everything around us and to abide in the Word.
-Joel Goldsmith
Practicing the Presence

When I first started on this path of recovery I would go to meetings daily, read my meditation book in the morning and a few pages out of the big book, finally I read out of the book of Psalms, praying for Gods will for me. I was gaining knowledge of who I am and what the answers to my life problems would be. I thought all these things were enough; I was staying clean and sober, searching with the willingness of a soul lost in darkness craving light. Peace and serenity were not to be mine. Fear paralyzed me loneliness was my constant companion. I talked in meetings of how desperately I wanted to drink. I would reach for anything or anyone outside of myself to find relief for the overwhelming ache within me. Finally, I expressed how terrified I was about God and living His will for me. This lasted for five very long years.

The big book says that self-knowledge will not keep me sober it also will not give me serenity. Knowledge of God and His will for me is not enough either. I stand at a cross roads, fear says turn left, God says go forward…what is my choice to be? I use to cry out “I don’t know the direction.” I don’t know what the truth is.” Truth is I know the direction to take, I have always known. Drowned out by hate, bitterness and fear, I could not hear the still small voice of my Spirit. “What will happen to me if I forgive?” “I will die if I let you in to my inner most self.” “I can’t love others, it hurts too much.” My Spirit was being held in the darkness of these thoughts and they were killing me slowly.

I found a definition for truth: sincerity in action, character, and utterance... being in accordance with the actual state of affairs. I happen to believe that the only truth in this life is love. The questions become “Does love show through my actions, character and utterance?” “Do I live in accordance of what I believe to be love?” “Am I consciously aware and active in the truth, which is love?”


With the fellowship holding my hand, I ventured out into the Sunlight. Faith without works is dead became a truth for me. Therefore, I began accepting others and slowly myself. I learned to sit quiet with my God and listen for His words. Fear subsided and I was able to start to put all the pieces of my life together. The reward is serenity, an assurance deep within that I am not alone and that you and I will be ok. You taught me to thankful for things like dirty clothes; I now have clothes to wear, and to look for the rainbow in the bubbles of the dishwater. I was to be thankful for salty bitter tears, for I could feel for the first time in my life. I learned that the more I let people into my life the more I could see the face of God. I have learned that God is in all the little moments that make up the day and it is up to me to invite the Spirit and learn to love or create fear and isolation.

I have to agree with Mr. Goldsmith, it is not enough for me just to read about truth, or to pray “God I need to see or hear from you today.” At one time, I thought it was. I know now that I need to be conscious of this moment and display truth (love) in my actions. I need to look within for the Kingdom of Heaven, not live off of others like a parasite to ease the pain and fear that haunts me. I now look for the Spirit of God in all that is around me, and this brings me a security that I have never had. When I consciously live in the truth the shame of yesterday does not well up within me and spill out onto this day. I am grateful that today, this moment I can change my mind and remember the truth and take action.

Memories

This morning I was going through some boxes and found old checks that date back to when I got sober. As I ran them all through the shredder I would pause and remember the Java Z... spent hours there drinking coffee and reading my big book, Media Play... the book store where I got just about every sort of self help book they had. Checks made out to my daughters private school, she was getting sexualy abused in her public school... many feelings and emotions shredding those ones. A check written to the club for my 12x12 and daily reflections. This list can go on and on. It was weird shredding little bits of my life. Sometimes it felt good running it through the blades and letting it fall to the bottom of the trash. Sometimes I wanted to hang onto the memory and go back to the moment that helped define who I am today. Tonight I get my chip having fresh memories of all the pain and struggles that now look like beautiful mountains behind me as I walk my path of serenity and peace.

Humility

Humility has always been very elusive to me. Every time there is a meeting on it I cringe and last night was no different. It came to my turn and I voiced my standard response... "I don't like this topic because I don't understand humility." Through the years many people have told me that it doesn't matter if I understand what matters is if I have it and they assure me that I do have humility.

Here is Webster's definition of humble ....
"1: not proud or haughty : not arrogant or assertive 2: reflecting, expressing, or offered in a spirit of deference or submission (a humble apology) 3 a: ranking low in a hierarchy or scale" According to this there is nothing humble about me. I am a strong woman with a voice and am proud of where I am at today and will share it with you. I also have no problems with being assertive, having and keeping healthy boundaries. The word submission makes my skin crawl as I gag! I also know that I am a daughter of my Cosmic Muffin and don't crawl before anyone, guess that takes care of that low ranking.

There is a saying... "When the student is ready the teacher will appear." This morning I was the student and the teacher was my husband. He knows the frustration I feel with this topic and stayed up till 3am finding something/anything that would help me. Low and behold in the 12x12... a book that I have read many many times through out the years has my answer... "Another often great dividend we may expect from confiding our defects to another human being is humility--a word misunderstood. To those who have made progress in A.A., it amounts to a clear recognition of what and who we really are, followed by a sincere attempt to become what we could be. When I read this a choir of angels started singing and the heavens opened up and a brilliant light flooded over me. I GET IT!!!

Today I know who and what I am, I also take the actions necessary to become the woman I know I can be. I don't have to give up my assertiveness, or let go of my boundaries. I can be a daughter of my Cosmic Muffin and know I am loved. Most important, I don't have to silence my voice and give up what I know to be true and right for me to submit my life and will to something I don't agree with. Humility gives me the room to grow and make mistakes one day at a time.

Nothing

Last night my 14 year old son and I was working on a homework packet. One of the questions was... "If you could change one thing about your family what would it be?" I held my breath waiting for his answer. You see my son is the baby of the family. This past year his older sister moved back home and had my first grandbaby. All of us have had to give things up and make adjustments, especially my son Nikkii. His answer to the question was... "Nothing." My spirit filled with gratitude.

When I first got sober I had to live with my mom. On my one year anniversary I was able to get my own place, I was so excited until my children said they didn't want to live with me because they were afraid I would start drinking. All these years later his answer is "nothing."

I can't put into words the joy that is in my heart today. That one simple word tells me that all the work I've done and all the fear I have walked through has not only restored me to some sort of sanity but also my family.