What is enough?

The student of spiritual wisdom cannot go through his day, satisfied that he has read some truth in the morning, or that he is going to hear some truth in the afternoon or evening. There must be a conscious activity of truth going on all the time. That does not mean that we neglect our human duties and activities; it means that we train ourselves to have some area in consciousness always active in truth. Whether we look out at forms of nature such as trees, flowers, or oceans, or whether we are meeting people, we find some measure of God in each experience. We train ourselves to behold the presence and activity of God in everything around us and to abide in the Word.
-Joel Goldsmith
Practicing the Presence

When I first started on this path of recovery I would go to meetings daily, read my meditation book in the morning and a few pages out of the big book, finally I read out of the book of Psalms, praying for Gods will for me. I was gaining knowledge of who I am and what the answers to my life problems would be. I thought all these things were enough; I was staying clean and sober, searching with the willingness of a soul lost in darkness craving light. Peace and serenity were not to be mine. Fear paralyzed me loneliness was my constant companion. I talked in meetings of how desperately I wanted to drink. I would reach for anything or anyone outside of myself to find relief for the overwhelming ache within me. Finally, I expressed how terrified I was about God and living His will for me. This lasted for five very long years.

The big book says that self-knowledge will not keep me sober it also will not give me serenity. Knowledge of God and His will for me is not enough either. I stand at a cross roads, fear says turn left, God says go forward…what is my choice to be? I use to cry out “I don’t know the direction.” I don’t know what the truth is.” Truth is I know the direction to take, I have always known. Drowned out by hate, bitterness and fear, I could not hear the still small voice of my Spirit. “What will happen to me if I forgive?” “I will die if I let you in to my inner most self.” “I can’t love others, it hurts too much.” My Spirit was being held in the darkness of these thoughts and they were killing me slowly.

I found a definition for truth: sincerity in action, character, and utterance... being in accordance with the actual state of affairs. I happen to believe that the only truth in this life is love. The questions become “Does love show through my actions, character and utterance?” “Do I live in accordance of what I believe to be love?” “Am I consciously aware and active in the truth, which is love?”


With the fellowship holding my hand, I ventured out into the Sunlight. Faith without works is dead became a truth for me. Therefore, I began accepting others and slowly myself. I learned to sit quiet with my God and listen for His words. Fear subsided and I was able to start to put all the pieces of my life together. The reward is serenity, an assurance deep within that I am not alone and that you and I will be ok. You taught me to thankful for things like dirty clothes; I now have clothes to wear, and to look for the rainbow in the bubbles of the dishwater. I was to be thankful for salty bitter tears, for I could feel for the first time in my life. I learned that the more I let people into my life the more I could see the face of God. I have learned that God is in all the little moments that make up the day and it is up to me to invite the Spirit and learn to love or create fear and isolation.

I have to agree with Mr. Goldsmith, it is not enough for me just to read about truth, or to pray “God I need to see or hear from you today.” At one time, I thought it was. I know now that I need to be conscious of this moment and display truth (love) in my actions. I need to look within for the Kingdom of Heaven, not live off of others like a parasite to ease the pain and fear that haunts me. I now look for the Spirit of God in all that is around me, and this brings me a security that I have never had. When I consciously live in the truth the shame of yesterday does not well up within me and spill out onto this day. I am grateful that today, this moment I can change my mind and remember the truth and take action.