Beginning with Step Four, we commenced to search out the things in ourselves which had brought us to physical, moral, and spiritual bankruptcy. We made a searching and fearless moral inventory. Looking at Step Five, we decided that an inventory, taken alone, wouldn't be enough. We knew we would have to quit the deadly business of living alone with our conflicts, and in honesty confide these to God and another human being.
12 X 12 pages 107-106
Has not washing that fav red shirt for my daughter by Tuesday brought me physical, moral and spiritual bankruptcy? What about that fight with my husband last week? Maybe putting off that much needed doctors appointment will bring me this bankruptcy that the fourth step talks about? I happen to think the truth needs to be deeper then just a red shirt, an argument, or putting things off.
Fear of abandonment, feeling unworthy, my judgments .... these are the things that bring me physical, moral and spiritual bankruptcy. It's so easy to be honest about things on the surface. It's harder to admit that love always hurt when I was a child, I don't trust anyone yet I fear everyone will leave me some day. It's taken years of recovery to be able to talk about these things that go on within myself.
I don't have to live alone with my conflicts today!! Isn't that great news? I have a program that gives me the tools to look deep within myself and ask ... "What will get me drunk today?" I have a loving HP that lights the dark path within my soul and all of you cheering me on one baby step at a time.
About Me
- Anna
- I am a fun loving person that likes to capture all of life's many moments on film. I can be childish and silly... yet have this depth within my soul that scares me at times. I am deeply spiritual (not religious) with a sick and twisted sense of humor. I have been given a new life with sobriety and try to love the best I can one day at a time. I know today that I am a daughter of God and am loved and can share that love with others. I have realized that life isn't so much about things ... it's about all the wonderful relationships in my life. I have been gifted with a beautiful baby girl and a son that has overcome many obstacles in his life so far... both are winners in my book. My greatest challenge has been to overcome the hundred forms of fear that lurks in my mind. My childhood was a place of darkness... today I don't regret the past nor do I want to shut the door on it. I am the woman I am today because of my past and I love the compassion, understanding and strength it has given to me.
3 comments:
Awesome share sunshine! You are doing so awesome and are leaving a nice widely marked path for us to follow behind. You have shown me so much about what "truth" is. This is just another example....thanks, Mable.
"What will get me drunk today?" I cringe when people claim they will never drink again. I have a list of triggers that require extra vigilence...and my disease is always in the backround cooking up more. This is such a good post...thank you Anna
I got sober in 1982 and in a place were there wer no meetings . On weekends a few AAs would drop in and i can really empathise with your feelings of unwantness,abandonment and the vauge concept of the disease of addiction . About trusting people by my self is still not possible but with the help of the HP i can do trust intellectually but not emotionally or may be there is a vacumme there cause i did not want to feel anything ,i didnt want to talk about it .The funny thing about trust was that at that time i didnt have to trust any one cause there was no one around it was just me and the Big Book and some blind furver that whatever was said in the book i just had to do it ,still the same now even though there are about 5000 NA and AA guys . May be i bypassed trusting another 12 stepper with some sort of surrender and felt at some level satisfied when people did not understand or accept me because i was famailar in the madness .
j
http://addictionrecoveryworld.blogspot.com/
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