Bottoms

First thing I thought of is that bottoms can always get lower. Just when something terrible would happen... I would pray, oh God help. I promise to never do it again... so many times promised never to drink again. I always drank again and walla the bottoms got lower and lower. See my mind is really messed up concerning that first drink. I will give up my life, your life and the life of the people I love to feel that ease and comfort the books talks about. I could tell you all the material things I have lost, about being homeless, the death of my daughter, the emotional and physical abouse I put my other two children through. None of that was bottom enough for me to leave the drink alone... it was an act of God. I became afraid. Afraid of everything including drinking. I was afraid of living ... dieing, I was locked up in a room afraid, wouldnt eat or get dressed... I would do nothing but be afraid. I had nothing left to do, no where left to go. Someone suggested AA and from that dark hole I said another selfish prayer .... God just get me to the meeting. My car found its way to the meeting, I hadnt been able to drive for some time... I still dont remember the ride too the club. I was still so afraid but I sat and I listend. When they closed the meeting I became very afraid to leave the meeting ... I cryed and I asked the person next to me ... how do I do this .. how does this keep me sober? There was no way I was leaving that meeting. A lady came to talk with me and after some time she talked me into going for coffee... said she would make sure I stayed sober the rest of the night if I had coffee with her... so I went. There she told me about the program and we started reading the big book. In my world fear is the only evil I know, for me there is no hell or satan. There is only fear and that was my bottom. I couldnt do anything, be anything... with that fear I lost my soul. With the program and all the wonderful people I found my soul once again and have never agian felt fear like I did at the end of my drinking. God's love and grace has replaced that fear ... I will be forever greatful !