I have been reading about the ego, that seems to rule over my thoughts and feelings, and the purpose of the Holy Spirit. I will just use the term HP since that seems to ruffle less feathers.
For years now I have been trying to live on less ego and more of what my HP’s will for me is. It all started when emotionally I had created a self imposed prison helped by large quantities of alcohol.
Anyway back to the ego. The ego is to be the translator between reality and the self. Seems I have a very warped ego. It’s a child that almost never operates from the truth, it seeks it’s own pleasure dispite the cost to my spirit. It seems to always be driven by fear, or maybe it’s just fear that it fills me with. My ego says that I am different then all of you, either worse or better depending on the situation. I guess what I am trying to say is that my ego keeps me in a place of fear and keeps me disconnected from all the many wonderful people in the world, including my HP as I understand Him/Her to be.
Now my HP always comes from a place of love, always speaks the truth, always wants the best for me. My HP helps me to do what I can’t. My HP I can always trust and know deep within that we are all the same .. we are all love.
The voice of the ego is always the loudest and first to speak. The voice of my HP is calm, quiet and comes as an after thought. The ego says fear and isolation .. my HP says to love and be united. My ego says never love, makes love appear as a darkness that will swallow me up and nothing but pain and insanity will be left. My HP says the only truth is love, the only way to respond is with love .. all else is false and invites misery. I know that my HP is right and my ego is wrong because of all the many learning lessons in my life.
So just why is it that I keep doing what the ego says to do? Why in that moment do I believe what the ego is saying to me? It feels and looks so real, yet I know it’s not.
There are a couple bible verses that I can really relate too ~ Romans 7:15, 19 15. For what I am doing, I do not understand; for I am not practicing what I would like to do, but I am doing the very thing I hate… 19. For the good that I want, I do not do, but I practice the very evil that I do not want. This is so me!! Just insane isn’t it?? Thank God for this program. It gives me the direction I need … like it or not. It also gives me hope that if I just keep growing and learning I will act on ego less and do the will of my HP more.
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5 comments:
wonderful post, welcome back ta blogging, been missing ya.... I h ave a bit of an ego too (say it aint so..) I will have to come back to this one and re-read. It's alot to digest, and I am still a lil fuzzy this morning!
yeah, it's like sitting there watching yourself do the wrong thing, the healthy parts of my mind screaming in three, noo stop...
Anna,
This is very powerful. Thanks for sharing it. You have given me bits and pieces of this throughout the past few weeks, but hearing it like this really helped. It makes a lot more sense now. All will work out if I just stay with my HP and try to quiet that fear and doubt.
isn't the ego meant to cushion our blows in life till we are ready to face them ? Learning to trust in something called an HP has been a challenge for me..you are really working at your own pace and it shows in your posts..I enjoy your insights and honesty Anna..I will be back soon.Thanks for sharing.
Great post Anna and so much the crux of what I am working on and dealing with every day.
Thanks to diligent work with the steps I no longer live in fear as I used to. I do find myself comparing still doing that whole less/better than thing.
This post points out how that aspect is still living within the fear. Thanks for sharing this so eloquently.
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