There are two keys, which are most important in personal relationships and in relationships with oneself. They are almost secrets (which everyone knows!) yet they are strangely missing in most of our relationships.
When these two keys are missing, we are only imagining what others feel and what they think. This causes a great deal of personal misery.
If you begin to use these two, you will find your relationships with others improve, and you feel better about yourself. These two great keys are:
· Tell others what you think, feel and want, and
· Ask others what they think, feel and want.
Two things that get in the way of improving feelings and relationships are:
· 'People should know what I really feel and want'
· 'It is a weakness to show how you feel and think' (when there is a problem).
Don’t let these things get in your way, because they are not true. You only imagine them as being true.
The reality is that others do not know what you think and feel; they might not even realize they are upsetting you, especially if you smile to cover your hurt. And they do not know what you want unless you tell them.
If people know what you think, feel and want without your telling them, then they must be reading your mind. If you know what others feel, think and want without their telling you, you must be reading their minds. If this is true, then we must be terrible mind readers.
Think of the spouse who suddenly leaves the other. The other is amazed to hear that their husband or wife wasn't happy. They thought everything was fine! Clearly the mind reading wasn't working very well! Unfortunately they did not tell each other what they thought, felt and wanted. And they did not ask the other what they felt, thought and wanted! The two keys were missing from that relationship.
We expect others to tell us what they feel, think and want. But we can ask them. And we cannot expect others to ask us what we think, feel and want, but we can tell them.
Of course, there are times to be silent. We would not continually express what we think, feel and want about every little thing. But our modern society could do better if we stopped trying to imagine what others think, feel and want, and asked them instead; and if we stopped expecting others to read our minds, and said what we thought, felt and wanted instead. It is a matter of good communication, and communication is the solution to all problems. There can be no solutions to problems without good communication.
As children, we expected our parents to know what we thought, felt and wanted. Mothers have to imagine what their babies think, feel and want (because babies do not have language.) Yet how many people claim that their parents did not understand them; didn't know what they thought, felt and wanted - how they 'Always got it wrong!' How many children (of any age) do not understand their parents?
Just to make the point more clear, people do not know what you think, feel or want unless you tell them. You do not know what others think, feel or want, unless you ask them. So in the future, don't try to imagine what others think and feel about something, ask them. And don't expect others to guess what you think and feel, tell them!
The psychologist Nathaniel Brandon developed a technique called Sentence Completion, to help his clients uncover and communicate their true feelings, which previously were suppressed. This denial of feelings and true wishes or desires occurs because of fear that acting on them or communicating them will bring scorn or ridicule - in short, will upset the apple cart. But to continue suppressing what one truly wants is to die inside, to lose integrity.
In the following exercise, which is done with a partner, ensure that previous exercises are still being practiced, i.e. that both of you are comfortably being and accepting what is, without going into a reactive mode; that you communicate with adequate intention to reach and be understood clearly; that you always obtain an answer to your question, and acknowledge the answer.
Exercise 6: Sentence Completions
With your partner, complete the following sentences, with as much honesty and frankness as you can muster. Move on to the next one when you have uncovered an awareness that you were previously suppressing. (And then be sure to put this self-realization into action in your life!)
Your partner says, 'Please complete this...'
I am a person who ...
One of the things I'd like people to know about me is ...
One of the things I have to do to survive is ...
All my life, I ...
It isn't easy for me to admit ...
Sometimes I feel frustrated when ...
If I didn't care what people thought, I would ...
Ever since I was a child, I ...
One of the things I'd like to be valued and appreciated for is ...
One of the things I wish people understood about me is ...
One of the things I appreciate about my parents is ...
One of the things that first attracted me to my partner was ...
I feel especially happy with my partner when ...
I feel especially happy with my friends when ...
2 comments:
Great lesson. I often forget that those closest to me are not mind readers.
Whew, can I relate to that bunch of stuff. My wife and I often practice (with lousy results) the art of poor mind reading. I tend to share more than she wants, and she's the opposite, I have to pry stuff outta her... Hopefully this will get better a Day at a Time.
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