This past year I have been working on being vulnerable. For an alkie like me this has been a long journey on my path. It started when my husband left me and I did an inventory on my part. Even though I said I loved him, I wasn't willing enough to be vulnerable in my marriage. The intimacy and closeness just wasn't there on my end. I have never been able to maintain any kind of intimacy with another person. I get afraid and build myself a fortress. So I made a goal to keep the walls down and be vulnerable in my closest friendships.

There is a friend that I really need to give a lot of credit too for hanging in there with me through out this last year. When I feel vulnerable the first thing I want to do is runaway. I do that by nit picking, and giving you the impression that who you are and what you do is not good enough. When in fact there is nothing wrong with you, it's the ciaos that builds within me that drives me to run and end the relationships I am in. But you allowed me to tear you up one side and down the other and still be my friend every time I realized I was doing all the same old behaviors. You and I talked a lot about my fear of being vulnerable and now we are on the other side able to have a friendship like no other I have ever had. When I drove out to see you I could feel years worth of fear being left behind in the miles. I knew then I would never be the same. I love you Michael thanks for taking the journey with me.

A year into my goal I have learned that when I am vulnerable with the people I love and that love me, life has much more meaning. What I thought would mentally kill me I have learned makes me stronger. I have learned to care and love much deeper then I ever have before. I have also learned through the death of 2 very good friends the pain runs deeper and the holes that are left are much bigger. Yet I wouldn't want to do anything different to lessen the pain and sadness because the rewards have been so much greater.

By learning to be vulnerable with my older friends I have learned to be vulnerable with new friends. This brings me to Rexie. I have been able to stay (for the most part) in the moment with you. I have shared my past, my hopes and fears with you something that you think I do so well. I was able to step on a plane knowing deep in my soul I was going to visit my sister, someone that would never hurt me.
I was able to stand and face Mt. Rainier, the wind blowing in my face knowing my life would never be the same again. I stood on solid ground the path so wide and clear stretched out in front of me and it felt good. As we drove up in the mountains I felt my life anew. What started changing on a trip to Indy was completed with my family in Washington. Thank you Rexie for walking the path with me, your my sister and I love you with all my soul.

Today being vulnerable is much easier for me. The only time I get afraid is when I get caught up in what use to be and think it will always be in my future. I have the feeling of security when I lean on my HP knowing that all this life is a lesson. My job is to show up and walk the path of love to the best of my ability. When I do that all is ok and I am taken care of. If I choose to not be vulnerable in a given moment, my HP loves me so much that He/She will give me another moment to try again. Today I will aim for perfection while I walk this path and settle for the progress that I make.