I wish to live without hate, whim, jealousy, envy, and fear. I wish to be simple, honest, frank, natural, clean in mind and clean in body. . . to face any obstacle and meet every difficulty unabashed and unafraid.
--Elbert Hubbard

I had something come up that I haven't had to deal with since I got sober. I had a choice to keep to my path or to pick up a mask of lies and deceit. The mask was very attractive and looked to be comfortable. I sat looking up into the night sky wondering just how long I could live behind that mask. How long could I live with illusions...dishonest to myself and my Creator... dishonest to the ones I love so much. I wondered just how high was the price... perhaps I can pay it...just this once. I picked up that mask and held it...put it up to my face for just a moment. I knew in an instant I could never again pay the price of wearing that mask. I put the mask aside and chose life.

Roger you taught me much about being rigorously honest with my self and others. You walked that path everyday...tried to teach me how to be willing to go to any length to be honest by the actions you took...never by preaching. As I struggle with your death I know you were in that night sky gently reminding me that I am not, nor do I ever wish to be the woman I use to be. And as I try to stay on the path of life I feel your strength with me. But dammit I miss the coffee. I love you Roger...thanks for being there that night when I really needed someone.

Tonight I am grateful for all the people that help to keep me on the path...I would not be here without the many voices of AA. I am thankful to my God that you showed me the truth in a way that I could see it so that I could put the mask aside and choose life. Thanks Mike for your reassuring calm voice that told me "she will be home any time now and will call..." You had no idea just how much I needed that. ((((Rexie)))) thanks for making the time for my tears..listening to all my pain and confusion. Steve thank you for letting me borrow your mom...I know you were sick and needed her too. Thanks Justin for always listening without judgment...I really needed to not be judged and you held true to your path. Finally there is you Michael, thank you for your insight and wisdom on what I need to do next. I have great comfort and feel secure knowing ya'll will be with me and hold my hand through this.


Fly From the Inside

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders
Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders
On my shoulders
All alone I pierce the chain
And all in all the sting remains
And dieing eyes consume me now
The voice inside screams out loud

I am focused on what I am after
The key to the next open chapter

Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky
Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside

Every day a new deception
Pick your scene and take direction
And all in all I search to connect
But I don't wear a mask and I have no regrets

I am focused on what I am after
The key to the next open chapter

I can't escape the pain
I can't control the rage
Sometimes I think that I'm gonna go insane
I'm not against what's right
I'm not for what's wrong
I'm just making my way and I'm gone

Here's the weight of the world on my shoulders


Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky
Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside

Cause I found a way to steal the sun from the sky
Long live that day that I decided to fly from the inside

By Shinedown